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The Post Before Christmas

December 23, 2011

There’s important stuff buried in here. I’m serious. But today is Friday, Saturday I take off, and on Sunday it’s Christmas day. So this is my last chance to wish everyone a Merry Christmas in the best way I know how.

Okay, here it goes.

Twas some hours before Christmas, the meal at the house
And all guests they were munching on cheeses and on grouse.
Well maybe not grouse, but there was good paté
And surely some more tasty things on the way.

The smells from the kitchen they sailed through the air
Like chestnuts and nutmeg and puddings so fair.
All the dishes were good, but one’s a grand slam,
If you’ve had one you know, it’s the HoneyBaked ham.

But somewhere between the fridge and the table,
The ham had some trouble with my dear old aunt Mabel.
She was proper and feisty but not really that old.
And said, “I’ll never serve guests any ham that is cold.”

You see some young man, with a directions sheet,
Pointed out that this ham should never see heat.
Just let it sit out to take off the chill.
It’s perfectly safe, no one will get ill.

Mabel was stubborn, and said, “This can’t be
A Christmas ham that’s not hot, is a big travesty.
I’ll just cover with foil and put the oven on low.
And you, dear young man, can eat it or go.”

Unable to save the ham from its fate.
He grabbed the paté and he ate and he ate.
While in the slow oven, under the foil
The juice in the ham was starting to boil.

The glaze that was once so crisp and so fine
Was melting away, and much less divine.
It coated the slices, it pooled in the pan.
It little resembled the ham that began.

Mabel was pleased when she brought out the platter.
Her dinner was warm, she saw not the matter.
But you dear reader, I hope you can see
That this sad Christmas story, never should be.

HoneyBaked makes some hams that are great.
And deserve to be spared from such a grim fate.
If you want a hot ham, that’s fine and I get it.
But buy one from Rolf’s, Glen even takes credit.

The end.

P.S. I’m serious. If you have a HoneyBaked ham do not put it in the oven. If you ask, the wonderful people at HoneyBaked will give you a sheet that carries the below words. Sadly they are not in bold and all caps. But truer words were never written:

HEATING MAY CAUSE THE HAM TO DRY OUT AND LOSE FLAVOR.

I encourage you to read more here. Best wishes for a merry Christmas to you and yours from the Profussor. I hope all your hams are juicy and your glazes stay intact.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Weenie Girl permalink
    December 23, 2011 9:45 am

    A food guru who is also a poet? Is there no limit to your talent? For those of us who have a “godly” reason for not eating ham (honeybaked or otherwise), could you suggest a beefy (or lamby or vealy or venisony or bisony) alternative? It sounds like it could be yummy.

    Happy Hanukkah! Merry Christmas! Happy Cooking and Eating!

  2. December 23, 2011 9:56 am

    I had Honey Baked ham last night at the proper temperature. I did put it between two slices of Rock Hill Bakery bread with some horseradish spread though, is that acceptable?

    Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!

  3. December 23, 2011 1:15 pm

    Every time you post about this, I wonder if there isn’t any possible happy medium, any way to have a nicely crusted ham without having to serve people cold meat. Maybe it would work if you cut the meat apart, laid it on a platter and baked it in a very low oven until just barely hot. Also wonder if you could special-order a ham that’s fresh from their ovens, rush it home and serve it while still hot. Unless, of course, they don’t actually bake the hams at the shop at all, just sell them (I’ve never been in that place to know).

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