Lobsters of Love

Some things are best done in private.  Valentine’s Day dinner is one of them.

I know that there are all of these restaurants that offer special menus for the occasion.  Some are even quite inventive.  My favorite idea is where each person is blindfolded, and one feeds the other all kinds of sensuous treats.  But this is Exhibit A for something that is best done in the privacy of one’s own home, or possibly hotel room.

Some of the most romantic meals I’ve had have been at home.  Granted, this was in the years before having children.  The others involved travel to special destinations, but Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year, and I can’t imagine most people will be traveling for the holiday.

But even if you are a terrible cook, and all you can do is boil water and turn on the oven, you have all the skills you need to make an incredibly romantic dinner.

Here is a foolproof menu, complete with wine pairings, and an explanation as to why this meal is just so damn romantic.

Let’s start with the menu:
A nice rich and round sparkling wine.
Oozing soft rich cheese, with or without crusty bread.
Boiled lobsters, lemon, melted butter, baked potato.
The best chocolates you can find.
Something sweet to drink with chocolate.

I executed similar meals with stunning results.  The menu provides a sensuous treat.  You eat with your hands.  You get messy.  You go slowly.  You lick your fingers.  Butter drips down your chin.  Bubbles go to your head.  Everything is delicious.  It’s not everyday food, but it’s nothing too fancy either.  All the same, if you were to get this menu at a restaurant it would cost a small fortune.

Eating lobster is another one of those things that I think is best done in private.  But it doesn’t have to be lobster, either.  Dungeness crab is a perfectly good substitute.

Convinced?  Good.
Now let’s talk about the specific ingredients and the executional details.

The sparkling wine
I am a huge fan of the Roederer Estate non-vintage brut from California’s Anderson Valley.  It is widely available for under $20, and I have seen it as low as $16.  If you are one of those people who insists on Champagne, may I suggest the Nicolas Feuillatte Reserve Particuliere non-vintage brut from Épernay.  I am still kicking myself from years ago when I saw a large display of this on sale for $18 a bottle.  I should have bought as much as they would have sold me.  Today you can find it for around $30.

The cheese
This will have to depend on what you can get locally.  But what you are looking for is a super-ripe soft cheese.  Brie or cream-added brie are the classic choices.  But it may prove impossible to find a specimen that is properly unctuous and runny.  Looking beyond brie might help.  There is a great mixed milk cheese called La Tur.  But if you cannot find runny, stick to rich and buttery.  Trust your cheesemonger, but just don’t forget to get a taste to make sure it is something you like.

The bread

If it were me, I’d skip the bread entirely and just eat the cheese with my bare hands.  Remember, this is a sensual affair.  I say tear the bread with your fingers into small pieces to hold a bite of cheese.  I believe in hearty crusty bread.  Crackers detract too much from the cheese, which should be the star of the show.  A baguette should do the trick, and if it’s not crusty enough, you can always warm it in the oven.

The ritual sacrifice
Steel your resolve and just throw those cockroaches of the sea into well-salted boiling water.  They would do the same to you if they had the chance.  If your date is a bit squeamish, spare them the show. Set a timer, and then join your date for more cheese and bubbles.

The spud
Honestly, I could do without this.  But for some people it is just not dinner unless there is a starch involved.  So this could be as basic as throwing a few potatoes in a hot oven in advance of the meal.  Or, if you were so inclined to show some cooking prowess or culinary creativity, this is where you could make your mark.

The sauce
Melted butter can be a sauce, no?  If you want to get all fancy and clarify the butter, that’s easy enough to do in advance.  But you are not running a fancy restaurant, you are having a messy and voluptuous meal with someone special.  So don’t sweat it.  Just make sure to have a lot of butter on hand, because you can go through more than one might reasonably expect.  I like to melt multiple sticks down in a Pyrex measuring cup.  It makes refilling butter bowls that much easier.

The chocolate
Godiva is for suckers.  My two favorite chocolates come from LA Burdick and La Maison du Chocolat.  But after a large meal nibbling chunks from a giant baker’s bar of Callebaut with some nice dessert wine is lovely too.

The closer
Bonny Doon Framboise.  I’m a big fan of port and chocolate too.  But this is Valentines Day, and Bonny Doon has gone and put all of these raspberries in a glass.  The color.  The color.  It’s magnificent.  And with chocolate it’s sublime.

Now all you have to do is bring the chocolate and the wine over by the fire, and linger over dessert.  The dishes can wait until morning.  But do yourself one favor.  Try to break away for two minutes and make sure the lobster shells are in the trash and the trash bag is tied up.

You can thank me on Monday.