Two Stewart’s, One Fountain & the Void

One freezing inch at a time. That’s how I like to get into a cold pool or work my way into the ocean from an East Hampton beach. There are some people who prefer to just dive right in, but that’s never been my style.

“It’s easier,” they insist.

And when the water rises to those more sensitive spots on my body, I’m inclined to believe them. But this is how I’ve dealt with potentially traumatic transitions since I was a kid.

So we’re coming back to Albany for good in a few weeks, but just this past weekend, I made the drive with the family for another quick 24 hour visit. There were no grand food adventures, just a few shivers as I confronted some of the culinary staples of the region.

I will confess to missing Stewart’s, although I may need to make a trip out to their egg supplier when I return to the area. The freshness and performance of the eggs are amazing. Plus I’m a sucker for a deeply colored yolk. But there’s a great farm around the corner from us in Princeton, and their eggs are amazing too. It’s just that they come at a 300% premium (or maybe more).

In our short visit we went to Stewart’s twice.

Regrettably, I’ve started drinking better coffee. I typically do once it’s cold brew season. The Stewart’s hot coffee wasn’t actively bad, but it didn’t quite taste like much either. For some reason I remember it being better. But maybe inoffensive is as good as it gets for cheap convenient coffee. Perhaps that’s the reason when I was in need of quick caffeination I was more likely to pull through a Starbucks drive-through for a blonde roast than run out to Stewart’s. It’s funny the things one forgets in short order.

The kids still loved Stewart’s ice cream. We also went to get after-dinner cones for the kids. Little Miss Fussy was over the moon with her rainbow sherbet and Young Master Fussy had something with Pop Rocks in it that brought him a lot of joy. For me, as good and as cheap as Stewart’s ice cream may be, it doesn’t hold a candle to the stuff I’ve found in Princeton from Halo Farm. At least the young ones will be satisfied.

So, let’s talk about The Fountain.

I know there are some people who love this place. Mostly, I think they love it for the memories. But I’ve had good pizza from the place in the past. I recall one sausage pie from the AOA Tournament of Pizza that was especially good. And I even remember ordering pies in the restaurant that were even better with a delightfully crispy crust spared from the trials and tribulations of transport.

We went there for our one dinner in town for a few reasons:
– I have a soft spot for Albany’s neighborhood taverns
– It was walking distance from where we were staying
– When the Fountain was mentioned, one of the kids started cheering
– They sell beer by the pitcher (and we were eating with four kids)

I won’t say “never again” because I may find myself in a similar situation one day. But should that day come, I will plan to eat less food and just drink more beer. Cheap beer is fine, especially since their better beers aren’t all that good. Swill is perfect for washing down industrial French fries slathered with Buffalo sauce. Especially when there are a lot of kids at the table, who are perfectly happy eating that substandard excuse for pizza.

Anyone who wants to try and defend the shop’s honor is requested to include details of exactly why they think The Fountain’s pizza is worth a damn in the comments below.

But that wasn’t the worst.

The worst came early yesterday morning. Before the Bar Mitzvah, to give the kids enough energy to sit through a service, and to provide the adults with enough caffeine to manage the same, we did the unthinkable. I took my family to Dunkin’ Donuts.

So there I was, scanning the menu board looking for anything that might actually be food and not some chemistry experiment gone awry. The only thing that looked plausible might have been the oatmeal. But red flags went up when I saw one of them described as “Brown Sugar Flavored Oatmeal”.

Looking at the ingredients, my instincts were right. In addition to Natural and Artificial Flavor, it also contains Sucralose. Man, I wish there was some kind of legislation or regulation that would force a clear disclosure of zero calorie sweeteners in a menu item. That’s some sneaky product development right there.

Bastards.

But former Mayor Jerry Jennings dropped in while we were there. And he didn’t seem to think twice about ordering breakfast. The kids ended up with Boston cream donuts that were short flat discs of despair. Sure, they had a glossy brown icing, but their centers, which should have been puffed full of vanilla custard, were sagging. What a sad excuse for a donut. Again, the kids didn’t mind.

I feel like I’m failing these children.

The upside, however, was getting to spend time with some of our old friends. Even though we’ve been gone for less than a year, it’s amazing to see how much the kids have grown over that time. Everyone is bigger and looks more mature. And this last weekend’s visit involved just a small number of our 518 friends.

Sure, there will be some difficult readjustments and a small batch of new concerns. Seriously, where am I going to scratch my pork roll itch? But it’s going to be fine.

This is just part of my normal process of self-torture.