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The Things We Do For Love

July 28, 2015

What do you get the woman who has everything? Okay, fine. Mrs. Fussy doesn’t have everything. We can barely keep her in running shoes. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to buy her gifts.

Actually, I take that back. It would be very easy to buy her a gift. All it would take would be a gift certificate for a massage, and she’d be thrilled.

But I didn’t want to get her a massage this year. I know how massages work. They are wonderfully relaxing experiences. Great ones can be transformative. I’ve watched my shoulders drop inches after getting off the massage table. The tragedy of massages is that they don’t last. And the stress of life quickly undoes the benefits of the experience.

No, this year, I wanted to get something that would last and wouldn’t be a burden. Any guesses? Now’s the time. Jot it down. The answer will be revealed in just a moment.

Here was the plan.

The gift itself was too physically large to reasonably wrap. And I also didn’t want to betray the surprise with such a large package. So I decided to be sneaky and wrap up a complementary gift instead.

That part didn’t work out so well. Because when Mrs. Fussy opened up the box of Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn, it wasn’t clear that it was microwave popcorn.

So I excused myself to the garage and carried in her new microwave.

There’s some important background information missing in this story. I hate microwave ovens. I have never owned a microwave oven. And I have blocked all efforts to get a microwave oven. Our longstanding “joke” has been that if anything were ever to happen to me, the first thing Mrs. Fussy would do is buy a microwave.

Last night, I even set it up for her… inside the house. It’s actually on the kitchen counter. But I haven’t totally given up on my crazy. It’s still oddly angled so that I don’t have to see it. And more importantly, it won’t be zapping me with all of its crazy rays.

You can try to tell me the science insists that microwaves don’t blast people with crazy rays. But it’s a lost cause. I don’t like these things. And I know from our brief time in New Jersey that the microwave’s mere presence induces further laziness in the kitchen.

But I love Mrs. Fussy. And I don’t want her (even secretly) rooting for my demise. More than that, she’s been very patient and supportive of me pursuing my own flights of fancy over the years. We’ve got a strange little life, but it works for us. And the Yelp job has taken me away from some family dinners during the week, where she is left wishing for a microwave.

She even said she was going to buy one. But I know she’s too busy to find the time. She’s had a strong desire to buy a desk too, and it’s been over six years. Still, no desk.

So this isn’t a microwave. It’s an act of love, kindness, and compassion. And now with our landline phone, our detached answering machine, our vintage china pattern, and our lack of cable television, the Fussies are firmly stuck somewhere in the early 1980s. Maybe the next step is to find a VCR.

All joking aside, we probably should. Maybe then we could show the kids the video from our wedding. Okay. I’m done here. Tomorrow will be less sappy. Provided the microwave doesn’t kill us in our sleep.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Reba permalink
    July 28, 2015 12:50 pm

    Love it!

  2. buffsoulja permalink
    July 28, 2015 2:59 pm

    Fun read

  3. Jenna C permalink
    July 29, 2015 10:02 am

    We went a month without a microwave earlier this summer and we were fine. But I have to admit, we’re so much happier having one again. Sometimes I just want to eat a warm thing in under 3 minutes.

  4. July 29, 2015 12:45 pm

    I still don’t quite get your lack of love for microwaves. No one is using them as a replacement for conventional cooking equipment these days (as was the promise in the 70s). I love my microwave, it saves me time, and helps me to prevent waste, by making the heating of certain leftovers effortless.

    I made butter-creme this weekend. Obviously the butter needs to be at, or close to, room temperature. I forgot to take it out of the fridge, but 15 seconds in the old zapper and voila! Softened butter. That saved me probably an hour of waiting for it to soften on the counter.

    A word of advice though… don’t ever. EVER. Reheat pizza in a microwave.

  5. Dave permalink
    July 29, 2015 1:17 pm

    Tip for Fussy, inverse square law.

    The intensity of the rays is proportional to 1 divided by the square of the distance. If you double your distance from the source, you get only 1/4th the ray intensity. If you triple your distance you cut to 1/9th, etc (-:

  6. Dave S permalink
    July 29, 2015 8:16 pm

    Good for leafy vegetables, assuming you want them cooked. Spinach. Wilt escarole for Utica greens. Although not as good as people say for boiling, I’m 3/5 recently with polenta in the mw vs 1/3 on the stove top. “Steam” fish. Bad for large cuts of meat or dense veggies generally. Bacon is OK. Perfect for Hot Pockets ;-)

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