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Super Bowls of Junk Food

February 3, 2016

With apologies to Jerry Buckner & Gary Garcia:

I’ve got football fever. Football fever.
It’s driving me crazy. Driving me crazy.
I’ve got football fever. Football fever.
I’m going out of my mind. Going out of my mind.

Man, music was bad in the 80s.

That big football game I watch every year is coming up on Sunday. I’m truly very excited about it. But really, all I know is that it’s the horses against the cats. The horses are from Colorado. The cats come from North Carolina.

Now in the past, I’ve made some kind of effort to pull in some kind of regional foodstuff to this annual bacchanal. But not this year. At first I wanted to cheer for the cats because I don’t recall them being in a championship bout recently. The horses have been to this dance before. And I do like an underdog.

But I was told some sob story about a player on the Colorado team. Apparently, this will be his last game, and people would like to see him go out on a high note. Whichever Manning brother that is, clearly has a winning PR team behind him.

I may end up rooting for Colorado, because I’m more likely to find good Colorado beer locally than anything delicious from North Carolina. And that would be fine.

What I really want to talk more about today, is the food.

“Bowls of junk food” is the theme for the night. Although I’m not sure pizza really qualifies. Maybe I’ll have to take my slices from the oven to the couch in a soup bowl instead of a plate, just to stay with the theme. I can serve the kids their hotdogs in those china bowls too. We’re fancy like that.

The big treat for the kids will be the bowl full of barbecue Pringles. I have no idea why they love those pressed potato crisps so much. Maybe it’s because they are such a forbidden fruit. That gives this cheap tube of processed junk a lot of power. It’s good to have a few such things in your back pocket, because I know the kids will do just about anything to get a few Pringles. It’s kind of shocking.

From the chip perspective, I’m more excited about the  bowl full of buffalo chicken pretzels. If you recall my previous post, these are a miracle of modern food science. But the biggest and most glorious bowl of junk food will be reserved for the tater tots.

Go ahead. Judge me.

But I’m going to slather those things with a homemade Franks Red Hot and butter sauce. I’ve even got the fixings to whip up a little blue cheese dressing.

The only thing that’s left is to order my Buffalo chicken pizza from DeFazio’s and pick up some beer. It’s kind of unconscionable that I’ll be buying more beer when I already have so much beer around the house. But I don’t have Colorado beer dammit. There is one Colorado beer that’s available at the Growler station locally, but it really only seems appropriate to drink if I’m rooting for Denver, and then the team loses. Here’s the description:

Fade To Black Vol. 1: Foreign Stout
Left Hand
Longmont, Colorado
Foreign Stout ~8.50%ABV

That time of year when the day seems to fade away. Drifting further into the darkness with each passing day. Volume 1 – Foreign Stout – Pours black with licorice, espresso bean, molasses, and black cardamom notes that give way to a feeling of self loathing, burnt opportunities and smoked relationships.

Well, maybe they’ll have something that goes better with Buffalo style tater tots in cans or bottles. I’ll just have to look and see. Just remember, the secret to winning the big game is preparation. And now is the time to prepare. So get to it.

One Comment leave one →
  1. February 3, 2016 8:00 pm

    *screechy voice* You’re going to ruin tater tots with Frank’s? [sad face]

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