The Declaration of Wing Excellence

Apparently, not everyone agrees on what makes a great buffalo wing. I blame this on an era of acceptance. Everything is great. Everyone is beautiful. Except as much as we might like that to be true, it’s just not.

So what makes buffalo wings different than other kinds of wings? Well, to have fun with this question, and to keep myself from getting too pedantic, I thought I might try and answer in the form of a grotesque rewrite of the Declaration of Independence.

As such, I’m probably leaving out a few key elements. But go with me on this one, and let’s see where it leads.

Ready?

When in the Course of culinary events it becomes necessary to define one classic regional dish, and separate it from the larger category of foodstuff in which it lives, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that one should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths about buffalo wings to be self-evident:

There is no such thing a boneless wing
Flats are indeed superior to drumettes
The desire for meaty wings is nothing short of madness
Crispy skin should not come at the expense of interior texture
Breaded wings can be delicious, but they are irrelevant to this discussion
Frank’s is the definitive classic for buffalo style sauce
Butter is best as the base
A spicier sauce doesn’t make for better wings
BBQ, Garlic Parm, and other flavors may be tasty, but are irrelevant to this discussion
The only acceptable condiment to a wing is a thick and chunky blue cheese dressing

Every time we encounter false claims as to what makes a buffalo wing, we petitioned for redress. Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury.

Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our outlander brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts to order boneless wings. We have reminded them of the harm caused by calling breaded wings buffalo style. We have appealed to their sense of decency and asked for them to apply common sense when ordering a basket of drumettes. They too have been deaf to the voice of goodness and right.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the FUSSYlittleBLOG, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, of the good people of Upstate New York, solemnly publish and declare, That these criteria are, the true defining characteristics of buffalo wings, that they are absolved from all allegiance to chicken wings in general, and that all connection between them and lesser fried poultry, is and ought to be totally dissolved. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our appetites, our desires, and our sacred Honor.

Albany:
Daniel Berman