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The Declaration of Wing Excellence

February 23, 2017

Apparently, not everyone agrees on what makes a great buffalo wing. I blame this on an era of acceptance. Everything is great. Everyone is beautiful. Except as much as we might like that to be true, it’s just not.

So what makes buffalo wings different than other kinds of wings? Well, to have fun with this question, and to keep myself from getting too pedantic, I thought I might try and answer in the form of a grotesque rewrite of the Declaration of Independence.

As such, I’m probably leaving out a few key elements. But go with me on this one, and let’s see where it leads.

Ready?

When in the Course of culinary events it becomes necessary to define one classic regional dish, and separate it from the larger category of foodstuff in which it lives, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that one should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths about buffalo wings to be self-evident:

There is no such thing a boneless wing
Flats are indeed superior to drumettes
The desire for meaty wings is nothing short of madness
Crispy skin should not come at the expense of interior texture
Breaded wings can be delicious, but they are irrelevant to this discussion
Frank’s is the definitive classic for buffalo style sauce
Butter is best as the base
A spicier sauce doesn’t make for better wings
BBQ, Garlic Parm, and other flavors may be tasty, but are irrelevant to this discussion
The only acceptable condiment to a wing is a thick and chunky blue cheese dressing

Every time we encounter false claims as to what makes a buffalo wing, we petitioned for redress. Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury.

Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our outlander brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts to order boneless wings. We have reminded them of the harm caused by calling breaded wings buffalo style. We have appealed to their sense of decency and asked for them to apply common sense when ordering a basket of drumettes. They too have been deaf to the voice of goodness and right.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the FUSSYlittleBLOG, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, of the good people of Upstate New York, solemnly publish and declare, That these criteria are, the true defining characteristics of buffalo wings, that they are absolved from all allegiance to chicken wings in general, and that all connection between them and lesser fried poultry, is and ought to be totally dissolved. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our appetites, our desires, and our sacred Honor.

Albany:
Daniel Berman

12 Comments leave one →
  1. February 23, 2017 10:57 am

    I was prepared to dissent, or present my usual argument that there isn’t all that much difference from one wing to another, but I found myself agreeing with every one of your tenets.Well done,

  2. February 23, 2017 11:00 am

    Feel free to undersign if you like, with your Upstate New York county, followed by your name.

  3. Harrison Watkins permalink
    February 23, 2017 11:14 am

    I undersign this. Harrison, Albany County

  4. Pam C. permalink
    February 23, 2017 12:26 pm

    I also undersign! Pam C., Rensselaer County native, Monroe County (Western NY) student resident during college.

  5. February 23, 2017 12:40 pm

    YES, YES, YES.
    I, the undersigned, hold these truths to be self evident.
    OCtG
    Rensselaer County, NY

  6. February 23, 2017 1:17 pm

    Where do I sign my John Hancock?

    • February 24, 2017 3:24 am

      Right here. Virtually. And I think you may have just done so.

  7. llcwine permalink
    February 24, 2017 10:42 am

    I, llcwine, the undersigned in Albany County

  8. EPT permalink
    February 24, 2017 2:57 pm

    Well, I think you declared well! What begs the question is , why are not all Buffalo wings “great” wings. Your initial post on results details why.

  9. February 27, 2017 11:47 am

    Yeah self evident, delicious, fattening, and beautiful. Albany: Zena, Goddess of Fire

  10. David Nardolillo permalink
    February 28, 2017 10:43 pm

    It is appalling to think that, in the 21st century, one would hatefully and needlessly discriminate against drumettes. The ACLU is moving for an injunction as we speak. Thankfully, my plate does not discriminate and I will provide asylum for all drumette refugees.

    • EPT permalink
      March 1, 2017 7:31 am

      Daniel B, IMHO is correct, the two bone wing is superior for 2 reasons. The bones lead to more flavor and juiciness. Plus the two bone section has an even meat distribution allowing even cooking from tip to tip. The one bone section, if brined properly and the bone scraped could be a tasty morsel.

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