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A Slice of Domino’s

March 18, 2019

Being a parent is hard. There is so much to teach your kids so that one day that might grow up to be respectable members of society. 

Important things like a love and affection for early Talking Heads deep cuts, and the finer point that the name of the band is Talking Heads and not The Talking Heads.

You see, it’s not all about food. But food is important too.

In some ways, I feel like I’ve completely set my kids up for future disasters. For example, the first time Little Miss Fussy had chicken wings they were from 20 North in Schenectady. Now, there may be better chicken wings to be found some places in central and western New York. Still for the most part, from that point on, she was doomed to disappointment.

The kids have come to understand how awful Dunkin’ Donuts truly are. I’ve gotten Little Miss Fussy away from putting ketchup on hot dogs. The young man is a cannoli connoisseur. And they both have a love for dim sum carts, even though they each have unique and distinct preferences for the treats the dim sum ladies are hawking.

On the flip side, with me as their food sherpa, the kids have a few culinary blind spots.

It wasn’t until my son was four that he had his first hot dog. And I just found out this weekend that Little Miss Fussy has a secret love for Panera, perhaps because she knows it’s a place where I would not eat. Her classmates eat there, and she’s enjoyed the pumpkin muffin.

When I found out, I simply asked her if she had the choice between a Panera pumpkin muffin and a cupcake, which one would she choose. I told her that I was pretty sure nutritionally, they were about equivalent. And her love for sweets put her squarely on #TeamCupcake however, Mrs. Fussy thought I was making up facts to support my theories. So below, I present a full cross comparison between the Panera pumpkin muffin and Wegmans yellow cupcake with chocolate buttercereme.

Mrs. Fussy is going to argue that the comparison isn’t fair, because the muffin is physically larger. She would like to see these broken out by 100g weights of each product. I say that’s ridiculous, because nobody eats that way.

You order a muffin and you eat it. Or you order a cupcake and you eat that. The cupcake may be smaller, but it still satisfies the urge for a snack. And on that scale, you might as well have the cupcake.

But this is a fight for another day.

Of all my parenting wins, perhaps the ones of which I’m most proud, have to do with pizza. I still kvell over the first time Little Miss Fussy decided she loved the end crust at Pizza Town USA in New Jersey. It was bitter sweet as I could no longer count on her crust as a supplement to my slice.

There is nothing bitter about this latest win. It’s all sweet.

One of those things my kids have never had is Domino’s. And if it were up to me, there would have been no reason to ever introduce the children to this mass market dough puck, covered with tomato sauce and cheese, which masquerades as pizza.

However, we were all hungry and at an event where Domino’s was the only thing that resembled food. So we got slices. And we ate them. They were squishy. They were salty. They were cheesy. Ultimately, they worked to suppress our hunger until we could sit down for some actual food.

As we were eating, it occurred to me that this might be a teachable moment.

Growing up in New York, especially as a child of the Profussor, good pizza is the air you breathe. Maybe up here in the Capital Region it’s not as good on the whole as in Brooklyn or New Jersey, but there are enough solid places that the Fussies don’t have to suffer through the truly mediocre.

So as Little Miss Fussy was dutifully munching through her slice of Domino’s I explained to her where this pizza falls within the national hierarchy of pizza. Not only is it one of the most popular pizza places in America, but it’s largely what people consider to be pizza.

Without missing a beat. Without a moment of hesitation. Based on pure instinct alone. With a look of shock and a tone of consternation she replied, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

My job here is done.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. March 18, 2019 12:07 pm

    On long road trips when fast food is the only option, Panera seems the best option. The film, Stop Making Sense has been a teachable moment for all of our children and grandchildren.Talking Heads were brilliant. David Byrne remains so.

  2. enough already! permalink
    March 18, 2019 2:06 pm

    Well done Profusser! The Fussy children have learned by observation.

  3. Dave permalink
    March 19, 2019 4:54 am

    If you lick the frosting off of a cupcake does it not become a muffin?

    • enough already! permalink
      March 23, 2019 10:33 am

      It does not. true muffins (not what you get commercially) have much less sugar.

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